Difficult Conversations

[Bruce McLaughlin, Ed.D.]

Everyday communication can be a challenge sometimes, particularly if you have a difficult conversation that needs to take place. As we all know, practicing anything makes you more efficient at that thing. Even mentally visualizing an activity stimulates neural pathways and causes them to activate and respond as if you were literally performing whatever activity you are visualizing. I have uploaded a new guided imagery on my website that is free as a download. It is in mp3 format and will play on any device that plays mp3s. You can access it on the “Contact” page of my website at www.drbrucem.com. This guided imagery will help you put those neural pathways in place, thereby practicing being more compassionate in your communications with others. This activity can also assist you if you anticipate a dialogue with another that will not be pleasant. The more prepared you are the more pleasant and more effective your conversation will be.

Discussion question – What techniques or practices have you found effective in having ‘difficult’ conversations?

[Monica Wessel]

Thank you for sharing the link to your mp3 file.

I have found that going over the conversation in your mind is helpful but I also think that going over the responses is helpful too.  Reviewing the conversation with another person is also helpful because they may think of other ways to approach the conversation.

[Kathleen L. Hammock]

Such an interesting recording for guided imagery.

In my profession as a mediator, one of the techniques I try to teach my clients when they are embarking on a difficult conversation is to listen by being "present in the moment" --meaning trying not think about their next comeback but trying to truly understand what is being said to them by the other person. Often this technique results in the listener asking clarifying questions which further fosters true listening. True listening is also a compliment to the other person--and a signal that what they have to say matters and is worthy. This also furthers the goal of communication.

Thanks again for the recording.

[Bruce McLaughlin, Ed.D.]

Monica,

Thank you for your comment.  Absolutely - any rehearsal you can do is going to better prepare you for the actual event.

[Bruce McLaughlin, Ed.D.]

Good points, Kathleen - Thanks.  Do you think that the clarification or paraphrasing helps the listener 'own' the other person's idea or maybe empathize with the other person?

Kathleen L. Hammock said:

Such an interesting recording for guided imagery.

In my profession as a mediator, one of the techniques I try to teach my clients when they are embarking on a difficult conversation is to listen by being "present in the moment" --meaning trying not think about their next comeback but trying to truly understand what is being said to them by the other person. Often this technique results in the listener asking clarifying questions which further fosters true listening. True listening is also a compliment to the other person--and a signal that what they have to say matters and is worthy. This also furthers the goal of communication.

Thanks again for the recording.

[Kathleen L. Hammock]

I agree--Asking clarifying questions does help empathy develop.  When people are presented with these kinds of ideas in communication, they seem to get it--they say they do, but habits die hard. What do you think would help people internalize and really accept that they can alter their communication techniques?

Bruce McLaughlin, Ed.D. said:

Good points, Kathleen - Thanks.  Do you think that the clarification or paraphrasing helps the listener 'own' the other person's idea or maybe empathize with the other person?

Kathleen L. Hammock said:

Such an interesting recording for guided imagery.

In my profession as a mediator, one of the techniques I try to teach my clients when they are embarking on a difficult conversation is to listen by being "present in the moment" --meaning trying not think about their next comeback but trying to truly understand what is being said to them by the other person. Often this technique results in the listener asking clarifying questions which further fosters true listening. True listening is also a compliment to the other person--and a signal that what they have to say matters and is worthy. This also furthers the goal of communication.

Thanks again for the recording.

[Bruce McLaughlin, Ed.D.]

Really good question.  Any of techniques we have been discussing are excellent ways to internalize and accept such changes.  The most significant aspect of making a meaningful (lasting) change is to first decide to do it, then to take an action.  It really does not matter what the action is, as long as one does it.  When we take an action we are making a commitment to do something differently (and the key word here is 'do').  An example that follows our line of discussion so far - A person is very annoyed because her/his spouse has been leaving the cap off the toothpaste tube.  "This really bug me.  How could s/he do that?", " S/he knows it gets gummy .  I have told him/her about it before."  We have a difficult conversation coming up if the annoyed spouse chooses to invest the energy in that direction.  First - the decision to say something.  Second - Practice it in one's mind.  This is an action that has not occurred.  By practicing, it is crucial to envision the desired outcome, not to play a film of past events or to visualize the conversation escalting into a fight.  The description you gave of bringing the event into the 'now'  is crucial.  See the event 'now', then feel the event 'now'.  If it does not occur now, it really doesn't exist.  This way one invests or commits to the desired outcome; believing it can/will/ has happened.  As I mentioned previously, our brain and it's components responds to what we feed it.  It reacts and responds to our thoughts.  As you said, habits die hard.  But habits are only habits of behavior - things we have done repeatedly.  Practice, and then celebrating and acknowledging the success (and making the effort is a success) is important, too.  Remember - practicing does not make perfect.  Practice just makes you proficient at doing something.  Practcing the right thing makes perfect.